He could make me deliriously happy or crazy with anger quicker than anyone I had ever known, when he smiled everything else disappeared and I could not help but smile back. He had a million smiles but there was one in particular that I could even hear in his voice across the phone from miles away.It was playful and knowing and cynical and sincere and secretive and assertive and a thousand other paradoxical things all at once. That smile made me laugh when I was hurting, forgive him when I was angry and believe him even when I knew he was lying. That smile made me fall in love with him and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
When he smiled, though, I felt like I was looking right into his soul, and when i made him smile, I felt beautiful inside and out.
He was the first guy I ever really loved. Sometimes when I spoke with him, I felt that he could hear my deepest, darkest thoughts. He always knew how to say exactly what I wanted to hear. He would touch my soul and look into my heart and say he liked me with such warmth that I couldn't help believing. From the first time we talked, he dominated my thoughts. I would try to concentrate on school, my family or my other friends but it was no use. I would tell myself over and over again that he wasn't the kind of guy I needed in life but with each passing day,
I only wanted him more.
I felt so out of control, so scared and so excited. I would fall asleep at night thinking about his words and wake up in the morning with his soft magical words ringing in my ears. My instincts were in total conflict. Trust him. Don't trust him. Call him. Don't call him. Tell him how you feel. No it will scare him off. Then one day it all came crashing down around me. He was gone and as i hurt, I wondered if he had ever really liked me. It was like an alarm that had gone off too soon and now my dream was over. He was gone, and all that was left of all we had shared were some sweet memories that I was too proud to dwell on. My heart cried out for him. But my mind warned me to go on. In the end that is what I did. I learned more from him than from any other guy. When the time and strength finally came, I was forced to take those lessons and move on without him. Time passed and life continued and I think of him less and less. But sometimes my mind drifts back to the sweet dream of my first love and I am haunted by the images of his
smiles. I loved his smile.