I've racked my brains for a better way to start,
I couldn't find any, not that there were none.
But most of it seemed like dead cliches after all that's happened.
Am pretty sure this isn't the most suitable beginning either.
But does that matter?
There's always a word left unsaid for the other person.
In a way, its always been easier for me to love at a distance.
Because i am an incurable coward.
I fear the dependancy that comes with intimacy.
I am afraid of the pain of losing something
that never belonged to me in the first place.
But most of all, I dread the faithlessness of my own emotions,
I dread the truth in the fact that I can never be completely happy
without being eaten away by an irrational sadness;
that i cannot love anyone without hating them to an equal degree,
that I find place in loneliness,
and a bitter friend in this invasive emptiness that plagues my waking hours.
I know how much of a failure I really am,
when i see my worst qualities mirrored in others.
My tenderness has often ached with inconsistency, and I've faltered and tripped.
I dont want the past to repeat itself, because if it did,
I'd miss the way I feel about life right now, this moment.
It all seems so ridiculously inconclusive now.
Either I've said too much or too little.